Spooktober Side Car 9: The Curse of La Llorona

It's the final film (released so far) in the CCU. Good God almighty, thank you! This time we're taking a look at the spring 2019 classic, the Curse of La Llorona. It follows the trials and tribulations of a single mother with two kids who are haunted by a ghost who wants to drown the children. A tale as old as time.

The pluses of this movie? Its 93 minute run time. The downsides of it? Pretty much everything else. It plays out like a poor man's version of Drag Me to Hell where a grieving/ angry woman curses another and then scary things happen to the cursed woman/ family. The problem is that movie is funny and creepy and good and this movie is none of those things and instead it's just shitty poo poo.

Once the creepy things start happening, like this scary ghost washing the little girl's hair:

Don't forget to rinse out the suds!

Mom goes to a priest for help. But, because it's the church, it's gotta go through levels at the Vatican. Levels that this family just doesn't have time for. Luckily the priest knows a man who used to be a priest that doesn't play by the rules. He's a maverick but he might just be the only chance this family has to not get murdered by a sad ghost.

Hi I'm hear to wash hair and also maybe drown your kids.

This movie likes water. In the original legend (at least according to this movie and I sure as shit ain't about to research if it's true) when La Llorona was alive she murdered her kids by drowning due to her being pissed at her husband for having an affair so now all she wants to do is drown more kids. So there's the above bath tub, the Los Angeles River (I mean that's more concrete than water but there's at least the concept of water there), the backyard pool, and a rainstorm. Water water everywhere so let's all take a drink.

So this movie is bad and you shouldn't watch it. I like to call it The Curse of La Bore-ona (nailed it). Especially because it costs way more than it should to rent it on Amazon. Punch yourself in the dick repeatedly instead. It's cheaper and will feel better. Oh well at least it was better than Annabelle (thank you so much 93 minute run time).

And thus ends our journey into the CCU. There are at least 3 movies currently in development: the conjuring 3, the nun 2: nunning again, and the untitled crooked man (based on another scary monster from the conjuring 2). These 7 movies have ranged from really bad to fairly fun and entertaining. In order, from worst to best:

Annabelle, The Curse of La Llorona, Annabelle Creation, The Nun, Annabelle Comes Home, The Conjuring, and The Conjuring 2.

The top 3 are worth watching. The other four are not. They suck super fucking hard. Thank god I can write about things that are better now... or will I just watch more shitty horror? Yeah probably more shitty horror. Fuck.