Spooktober 2020: Hellbound: Hellraiser 2

Well I watched this like a week ago so I'm probably gonna get plenty wrong but eh. No one is gonna read this or correct it.

Hellbound starts basically immediately after the end of Hellraiser. Kirsty is in an asylum for fairly obvious reasons. Her dad was murdered by his dead brother reincarnated and terror/ pleasure cenobites attempted to take her to Hell. I mean, that seems like a reasonable response. She also has some terror dreams/ visions of her father.

A reasonable request.

I guess it actually starts with a 5-10 min recap of Hellraiser. We get to re-see some good deaths and murders and cool stuff and cenobites. We quickly meet some kind of psychiatrist/ surgeon/ insane man who is all about seeking pleasure. He's done some research and he somehow knows of the cube puzzle that summons the cenobites/ the gateway to hell. Through conversations he learns that Kirsty's step mom died on a mattress and he does his best and easily obtains it, taking it back to his mansion. He brings one of his patients home, who, well, imagines maggots and bugs on himself and tries to clean them off with a straight razor. Using the same nonsense that brought back murder/ rape uncle in the first, step mom is revived.

Tricking a insane man into summoning a hell demon.

Doc makes out with her, she convinces him to bring people for her to kill to reconstruct herself, and well you can probably guess where this is going.

The crazy doctor's assistant goes to the asylum to help Kirsty get out and go to said mansion for some reason. She notes she doesn't have anything to wear and he responds with a line summing up a doctor's true super powers:

"I can get you clothes; I'm a doctor."

Some more things happen, and the evil doctor convinces the mute girl, who happens to be really good at puzzles, to solve the puzzle box and unleash the cenobites. Pinhead, in a moment of being kinda cool, tells the other cenobites to stay back and not take her, because, well, she didn't have intent to summon hell, she just wanted to do a puzzle.

It's not cool to use the mute girl to open up hell.

Kirsty and the mute girl go into hell, Kirsty trying to save her father (see above). Hell looks rad at least!

Hell is laid out like the director's cut ending of Phase IV

And that's where I'll leave discussing the plot because it really doesn't matter in this. This movie abandons the plot and pacing of the original to focus on some pretty fantastic visuals and a lot more gore. I don't think it's quite as good as the first, but it's a very effective sequel. It picks off and builds from the original without just being a pure re-hash. It's creepy and the cenobites get a lot more screen time. This movie is definitely worth a watch if you enjoyed the first. Plus, you get a little look into how Pinhead was made! Sit down, pour a glass of red wine, and let Pinhead show you new dimensions in pleasure.

Pinhead gets his pins.

Spooktober 2020: Hellraiser

Submit to pleasure. And nails.

Who knew Clive Barker was such a weirdo? (Besides anyone who has seen any movie he has made/ read any of his stories).

What a delightfully bizarre film. Briefly, a man opens the fabled puzzle box and is ripped to pieces by Cenobites, demons of torment and pain. His brother moves into his house with his wife. Said wife cheated on her soon to be husband with the main who had been ripp
ed to pieces. While moving in, the husband absolutely destroys his hand on a nail and drips blood onto the floor of the room where his brother had been ripped up (the cenobites cleaned the room very well so there was no person goo in there). This blood was absorbed and the dead brother starts being reconstituted. He convinces his former lover/ brother's wife to bring home men from the bar so he can eat/ absorb them and come more back to life.

Someone is missing some flesh.

I guess technically the main character/ heroine of the film is the husband's daughter, Kirsty. She doesn't feature a ton in the first half. It picks up for her when she gets the puzzle box and meets her not quite alive but very not dead uncle. She solves the puzzle box and cuts a deal with the Cenobites to save her own hide.

My pleasure... is ham.

I don't want to get into too many spoilery details even though the movie is coming up on 40 years old because it's a whole lot of fun. It has a whole lot of people goo. The practical effects look fantastic. As the brother reconstitutes and adds more layers to him he looks awesome. The muscle tissue on him looks great (also the fact that he wears clothes that his bodily fluids just leak through constantly).

Sir you appear to have something on your shirt.

This movie also has one of the more upsetting uses of "Come to Daddy" I've seen/ heard in a minute... Multiple times. And the partially reconstituted man watches his brother and the wife start to get frisky (which he promptly puts an end to by cutting a rat in half with a switch blade).

Overall, if you like creeps and people goo, you will like this movie. Definitely worth a spooky watch this year and any other year.

Spooktober IV Review 16: IT Chapter 2

IT: Chapter 2 (2019)

Andy Muschietti

"Fuck you."

Usually there's one or two solid horror movie options in theaters come October, but maybe Hollywood didn't get the memo this year, because what we got were Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, which looks dumb and should have been an anthology film, and Zombieland 2, which I have no interest in seeing because I didn't like the first one. Still, with an afternoon free and a desire to be out of the house, I forged ahead and caught one of the last showings of the IT sequel at my local megaplex. And my God, friends. My God! What a tremendous waste of time.

Here's the thing, this sucker is ten minutes short of three hours long. Three. Hours. Long. For a horror movie that isn't Suspiria, this should be against MPAA regulations. IT should receive an X rating simply based on runtime. Now to be fair, I knew this going in, understanding well ahead of time that I would be squandering precious hours of autumn sunshine to sit in an empty dark theater and force myself to watch the scary clown show, but that's no excuse for how the three hours unfold. So much of this movie is just farting around for farting around's sake. At the point when you assume the plot is starting to wrap up, you still have an hour left. It's excruciating.

It's not all horrible, mind you. There are some genuinely fun or interesting moments, but they mostly serve to remind you that good movies are possible and that this one has made a conscious decision to avoid being one. For example, the scene featuring Jessica Chastain at the old woman's house from the trailer is really creepy and well executed, but it's all pointless because the whole thing was in the trailer, and there's no surprise to it anymore. All of the tension the scene wanted to build had the rug pulled out from under it before it could even start. Why would you make a trailer out of a whole scene anyway? That's just advertising "hey, this is literally all we have you filthy hogs, but you're all going to line up to see it anyway, so fuck you." I mean, what's the audience supposed to do at that scene? I guess it's a good time to get up and go to the bathroom since you already know how the whole fucking thing plays out, but why kneecap one of the most effective scenes in your film this way? It's madness.

But the biggest problem with this scene (actually all the decent scenes) is that it ends in an attempted jump scare which involves LOUD CLOWN NOISES and a shaky cgi monster. This movie has lots of moments where there's a nice buildup of creepiness, only to end with some goofy faced computer generated monster doing loud screams and skittering toward the camera, typically while shaking. That trailer scene would have been terrifying had it ended with an actual naked old lady, maybe with some subtle makeup, lurching toward Jessica Chastain, but instead it was a giant old lady monster with floppy cgi boobs doing yells. It feels like you're watching a Star Wars gleep glop alien rampage through an old lady's sitting parlor, which elicits many feelings, none of which are fear. It completely subverts whatever horror or tension the scene had going for it. This was also my biggest criticism of the first IT film, and was the major reason it made no impression on me, but by gum, I'm stubborn. And dumb. Just so very dumb.

I haven't read IT in many years, so my memory of plot specifics are hazy, but I definitely don't recall it being this half baked. The film chases threads that really have no impact on the story as a whole, and one that literally ends in a hall of mirrors (you know, where directions become meaningless) and has no impact on anything, other than to further resolve a character to kill IT, which he already had to begin with. Another character (who was indeed featured in the novel) is given so much screen time in the first act, but is dispatched clumsily by an ax to the head before he can do literally anything important. There was no adaptation of the source material here. The filmmakers just went through the novel piece by piece and filmed everything they could without a thought to what it might mean to the film's visual narrative as a whole. It's a bit like a D&D scenario where the party kills off a not mission critical NPC and the Dungeon Master just shrugs and figures out a way to continue the story without them. But movies aren't made on the fly! Just write them out of the story, for fuck's sake! You'd save money!

There's a certain charm to Stephen King's coke-fueled writing, but when it's translated onto film through a boring and, more importantly, sober director, you're left with a wandering mess that feels wholly unsatisfying. IT the novel does take the long way 'round, but at least it packs a punch, and you're left feeling something other than boredom. I'd much rather be outraged by an ending than feel nothing besides an overwhelming urge to pee.

The story, if you're not aware, is a jump forward in time from the end of the first film. It is now 27 years later, and weird shit is happening in Derry, Maine once more. After making a disgusting hand gouging pact as children, the Losers have to collect once more to face off against their greatest fear: a clown that can become a giant disheveled old lady with floppy titties who can't even manage to kill Jessica Chastain. You never really get a sense for the true nature of the fear that IT can generate because it all sucks. There's a scene when the Losers all meet up in Derry where their fortune cookies come to life as little bugs with baby heads and eyeballs with tentacles, but, like, everyone would be afraid of that. After being confused by it first. That's what so much of the "fear" in this movie actually is: raw confusion. Now, if you opened a fortune cookie and inside it said "Your mom drowned your twin brother when you were babies and just never told you about it," that would fuck you up. But it's hard to make a shaky cgi monster out of that, I suppose.

There's some interesting criticism about this film that claims that it has a subversive queer message to it, but I just don't see it. The cold open of the film involves two gay men being harassed and assaulted at some shitty Maine carnival, and then Pennywise eats one of them. I don't know that this has some subversive queer message to tell besides "never go to Maine," and "the true homophobes are ancient evil clown demons." They strongly imply that Bill Hader's character is gay and is in love with one of the other male Losers, but it's hardly explored, and he spends the entire movie making fat jokes and spitting out Parks and Rec style one-liners that are so fucking annoying, I wanted to Ludovico Technique the writers while I ripped up the script in front of them.

I know this movie wasn't for me, but I'm also not entirely sure who it's for. If you're just in it for the jump scares and clown pranks, you have to sit through SO MUCH nonsense to get there. If you're in it for the subtle exploration of fear and horror, you have to sit through SO MUCH shaky clown yells. If you're in it for blood and guts, there's 2 hours and 30 minutes of stuff that is not that. IT is so bereft of actual cohesive content that it's almost like they tried to make a movie that pleased no one and possessed no vision. I still can't believe the final act (which feels like it takes 17 hours) when the Losers fight the manifestation of all of their collective fears, which turns out to be a giant spider monster that is also a clown that does yells. The whole thing is like a video game cutscene filled with quick time events. Bill Hader's character has to tap A repeatedly to avoid the tentacle, and Jessica Chastain has to hit L1 and R1 at the same time to duck under a rock. It's so frenetic and nonsensical that it has no punch. You simply don't care what happens as long as its interesting or different from "giant clown spider swings a claw at a human and misses...again." It also culminates with the losers defeating the spider monster by screaming "you stupid motherfucker" at it like 100 times. Seriously.

The more I write, the more wretched this movie becomes in my mind. There will never, never, NEVER be a situation where I will ever willingly sit through this again (and I'm about 5 months away from an 18 hour flight to New Zealand). If you turned all the raw footage from this film over to a competent director and editor, and you were able to strip out and reshoot all of the shaky cgi bullshit, you might come away with a spooky and fun two hours. But why bother?

The only part of the film that gave me any (grim) satisfaction was right after "THE END" when the screen proudly proclaimed this was "An Andy Muschietti Film" as if this means anything.

REVIEW: A cgi clown shaking and running while screaming "PEE PEE POO POO"

HOW I WATCHED IT: In a theater that was empty enough that I could use my phone during the lulls. I also snuck in a sandwich, so the afternoon wasn't a total loss.

BEVERAGE: A frozen Pepsi. My local multiplex has the best fucking self-serve frozen drink machine. I'd prefer Coke, but it's not like I have good taste or, frankly, any self respect, so Pepsi it shall be.

Spooktober Side Car 9: The Curse of La Llorona

It's the final film (released so far) in the CCU. Good God almighty, thank you! This time we're taking a look at the spring 2019 classic, the Curse of La Llorona. It follows the trials and tribulations of a single mother with two kids who are haunted by a ghost who wants to drown the children. A tale as old as time.

The pluses of this movie? Its 93 minute run time. The downsides of it? Pretty much everything else. It plays out like a poor man's version of Drag Me to Hell where a grieving/ angry woman curses another and then scary things happen to the cursed woman/ family. The problem is that movie is funny and creepy and good and this movie is none of those things and instead it's just shitty poo poo.

Once the creepy things start happening, like this scary ghost washing the little girl's hair:

Don't forget to rinse out the suds!

Mom goes to a priest for help. But, because it's the church, it's gotta go through levels at the Vatican. Levels that this family just doesn't have time for. Luckily the priest knows a man who used to be a priest that doesn't play by the rules. He's a maverick but he might just be the only chance this family has to not get murdered by a sad ghost.

Hi I'm hear to wash hair and also maybe drown your kids.

This movie likes water. In the original legend (at least according to this movie and I sure as shit ain't about to research if it's true) when La Llorona was alive she murdered her kids by drowning due to her being pissed at her husband for having an affair so now all she wants to do is drown more kids. So there's the above bath tub, the Los Angeles River (I mean that's more concrete than water but there's at least the concept of water there), the backyard pool, and a rainstorm. Water water everywhere so let's all take a drink.

So this movie is bad and you shouldn't watch it. I like to call it The Curse of La Bore-ona (nailed it). Especially because it costs way more than it should to rent it on Amazon. Punch yourself in the dick repeatedly instead. It's cheaper and will feel better. Oh well at least it was better than Annabelle (thank you so much 93 minute run time).

And thus ends our journey into the CCU. There are at least 3 movies currently in development: the conjuring 3, the nun 2: nunning again, and the untitled crooked man (based on another scary monster from the conjuring 2). These 7 movies have ranged from really bad to fairly fun and entertaining. In order, from worst to best:

Annabelle, The Curse of La Llorona, Annabelle Creation, The Nun, Annabelle Comes Home, The Conjuring, and The Conjuring 2.

The top 3 are worth watching. The other four are not. They suck super fucking hard. Thank god I can write about things that are better now... or will I just watch more shitty horror? Yeah probably more shitty horror. Fuck.

Spooktober Side Car 8: The Nun

Only two to go! Thank god. Today we're talking about The Nun. Once again, the powers that be in the CCU decided to give us the backstory on some demon from the Conjuring movies. This one, given the title, was the demon nun that we saw a couple of times in the Conjuring 2. At least, I assume this movie is named after the demon nun. Or it might be named after one of the other non-demon nuns in the movie? If you're going to call your movie The Nun you should probably only have one nun in it. Maybe they should have called it A Nun.

The movie opens in a convent in Romania where we see two nuns (title already debunked!) One nun goes through a door that has something spooky written on it and the other stays behind. Then some scary things happen and the stay behind nun tries on a noose and takes a jump out the window. SCARY.

The Vatican decides it's time to investigate so they send a priest and he brings along a non-vowed nun. Once they get to Romania they team up with a guy named Frenchie (he's actually French Canadian) to go get to the bottom of this nun suicide. Blah blah blah, some rich guy used to live in a castle or some shit which is where the convent is now and he tried to summon a demon and that demon is doing it's best to come into the world to... kill people or steal souls or something I don't know or care?

So the a priest, a non-vowed nun, and a Frenchie walk into a convent... Classic set up for a joke (which this movie is). They battle some spooky happenings, Frenchie says "holy shit" to which the priest responds "the holiest" about something I can't remember, and that's about it. Who lives, who dies, who wins, who loses, who cares?

This movie was not good but it was more fun than the first two Annabelle movies. At least the setting was a creepy convent castle and not an apartment or a dollmaker's house. So this has a way better atmosphere than those two ass piles. The other plus side is it's on HBO so I didn't have to pay to watch it. I've spent a lot of money watching awful fucking horror movies this October. I leave you with some screen shots (with time stamps because I am much too lazy to expend effort cropping photos from this shit movie because it does not deserve the effort).

Don't watch this movie. It fucking sucks. On the bright side, only one more CCU to write about! Unfortunately it's a doozy.

The cross is upside down so there's a satan. It's also on fire so that probably means a double satan.

That's a ghost vomiting a snake, alright.

Spooktober Side Car 7: Annabelle Comes Home

The newest film on the CCU is the third of the Annabelle films. It's also by far the most fun of the three (and easily in the top half of Cinematic Universe). Annabelle comes home is the closest to a creature feature of the 7 movies. I watched this before one of the two remaining movies I haven't written about yet but I figured I might as well finish up the Annabelle Trilogy.

The movie opens with the Warren's bringing home the Annabelle doll after collecting it in the opening scene of The Conjuring. Some time later, they go on a trip and leave their daughter in the care of a babysitter. The babysitter's friend/ classmate had a recent loss in the family and due to the Warrens' reputation decides she should crash the babysitting party and try and contact that ghost.

Long story short, friend gets into the cursed object room and opens the case that Annabelle is stored in. She also touches all of the other cursed objects in the room so welp now we got a whole lot of bonus demons to go along with Annabelle. I won't spoil any more here because it is a surprisingly fun movie (especially considering how NOT fun the other 2 A-belles were).

Why did this movie work for me so much more than the other two? Well first, it's fun. The other two are just so dark and dour and miserable. This one has a sense of lightness to it (despite it being about a bunch of demons tormenting 3 young girls.) There's also the fact that they didn't have to try and establish anything about Annabelle in this. They didn't have to show us how evil the doll is or how the doll got all eviled up: all that crap was established. Now it's just time for her to get out there and spook it up.

I'm shocked I would actually recommend one of the three Annabelles but here I am. You can easily skip the other two. All you need to know coming into this one is there is a spooky doll full of a scary demon.

I was under the weather when I watched this so my drink was a gatorade zero. I give this movie two creepy doll eyes up.

Spooktober IV Review 15: Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key

Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (1972)

Sergio Martino

"Is it true about you being a two-bit whore?"
"Well, they might be considered two bits well spent."

At one point during my viewing of the film last night (from now on, let's just call it Your Vice for brevity's sake), I texted Ryan and Zach to say that it had a "hold of me with its disgusting greasy Italian hands," and I only half meant this as a slight against the Italian people. I feel like we've dabbled deep enough into the fetid giallo pool to understand this filth-inherent film genre, at least on an intermediate level, but this one really pushed the boundaries of vileness in ways that I did not expect, but absolutely loved. It features rape, graphic domestic violence, emotional abuse, alcoholism, failure, animal abuse, murder, incest, adultery, and so many sweaty Italian closeups all in a tight 97 minute package. It's a whirlwind of smut!

Obviously I loved this movie and I'm going to recommend it to everyone, but let's take a step back for a minute. Before watching this, I was familiar with the giallo genre (as we remember from previous Spooktober's past, it's a primarily Italian genre of cheaply made and overly stylized films featuring lurid stories of crime and murder), but had never heard of either this ponderously titled film or its director. The greats of the genre have all been featured here before, including Dario Argento, Mario Bava, and Lucio Fulci, and each brings something different to their films: Argento's are bathed in garish light and thrumming with visceral energy, Bava's are filmed through reflection and glass to ponder the nature of reality, and Fulci's are splashed with gore. And now we have Martino.

When I still lived in Nashville, there was a glorious month in 2015 where the Belcourt Theatre hosted a Seijun Suzuki film festival, which introduced me to his history as a filmmaker. Unfortunately I only managed to catch Gate of Flesh and Branded to Kill, but that was enough to understand the unquestioned genius behind the camera. Suzuki never found the mainstream success of Japanese auteurs like Kurosawa and Kobayashi, and was hired because he could take dirty, trashy little scripts about whores living under a bridge in post-war Japan or a James Bond style assassin with a strange addiction and (efficiently) elevate them beyond their humble underpinnings. These two films are mostly stripped down, but they ooze style, subtle humor, and more than a little grime. He was the original Japanese giallo director!

I think it's also fair to assess Sergio Martino as the Italian Seijun Suzuki, because his career is littered with "I need to make this so I can afford my mortgage" style films, but I can't wait to poke around his filmography a little bit more (especially an 80's sci-fi adventure movie titled 2019: After the Fall of New York), because the talent here is undeniable and I love trash with vision. I'm not going to pretend Martino is on the same level as Argento, but one of them was stuck behind the 8-ball career-wise and had to work for a living, and god damn do I respect that blue collar style of filmmaking. 

Getting back to the film of the day, Your Vice is a loose adaptation of the Edgar Allen Poe story The Black Cat (which was also adapted by Lucio Fulci, but that sounds like a gory slasher more than anything). The Black Cat, like all Poe stories, is about murder, guilt, and something giving up the murderer as they are wracked with anxiety, but Martino takes the simple story and weaves it into a tale about a failed writer who has turned to the bottle and torturing his wife for solace. The writer, Oliviero, begins the film by lauding the history of his blessed mother, whose portrait hangs proudly in their rapidly decomposing mansion, and belittling his wife, Irina, calling her a whore in front of a group of his "friends." His treatment of women in general is abysmal, as he then singles out their maid, a poor immigrant woman from some former fascist Italian colony, sexually assaults her by groping her breasts, and then heaps on the racism. This poor maid is treated miserably by everyone in this film, even people who like her. She's easily the most sympathetic character in the whole film, and her only mistake was ever being around rich white people.

Oliviero, using the free time he has when he's not fantasizing sexually about his dead mother and abusing/raping his wife, also has a mistress who was a former student of his when he was still teaching at the local university. He makes noncommittal plans to meet her one night, but as the scheduled time for their tryst approaches, the poor girl is slashed to death by a mysterious assailant. Obviously the police suspect Oliviero, but like all giallo films, the initial suspect you're led to believe is the culprit is invariably not-guilty (although hardly innocent). In the midst of a police investigation into this homicide, the poor housemaid is also brutally murdered while trying on Oliviero's mother's flowing gown (the one from her portrait). Oliviero frantically denies committing these crimes, but Irina is not so sure, especially since her husband is so insistent that they hide the body and make up some story about her leaving their employ. It is in the course of this conspiracy plot that he A) rapes her, B) strangles her, and C) makes her clean the maid's blood out of his mother's gown. So far in this film, the only creature he's been even halfway kind to is is black cat named Satan.

This is about when Oliviero's niece Floriana arrives for a visit. She is played by Edwige Fenech, and is maybe one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. When she appeared on the screen, my eyes actually flew out of my skull and wrapped around each other while I pounded my foot on the ground like a cartoon wolf. Oliviero feels the same way, despite the fact that he's her uncle. I couldn't really get a feel for their specific family tree, because she would refer to Oliviero's mother as "Aunt," but this could be an issue with the subtitle translation (there were a number of odd discrepancies). Regardless: they're related and it's gross.

Floriana immediately acts as a sympathetic ear to Irina, listening to her tale of woe and concerns of being married to a murderous lech. Her suggestions range from "GTFO" to "just shove him over a cliff and be done with it," both of which Irina rejects as possibilities. At this point, Floriana and Irina have passionate sex, because, hey, why not? In fact, Floriana flits through this movie enjoying sex the whole time. She fucks Irina, a nice motorcycle boy, and Oliviero in the course of her time in the film, but is not victimized in any way. She just loves to fuck, and who can blame her? She's not even ashamed of it, openly admitting to Irina that she and Oliviero had sex while the three of them are at a cliffside picnic. And to her credit, Irina is pretty chill about the whole adulterous incest thing.

The police inquiry is thrown for a loop after Oliviero's mistress' boss is bludgeoned to death by a whorehouse Madam shortly after he murders a local prostitute. I love how the prostitute's life is framed here: she has had a busy day, turns down a client out of sheer exhaustion, is supported fully by her Madam, clearly makes a good living, and is played as confident and just a little sassy. It's a very sex work positive portrayal, and reminded me distinctly of the brash and honest working girls in Suzuki's Gate of Flesh. Unfortunately she is murdered brutally, but such is the fate of the giallo whore.

The great twist of the film begins to take shape after Irina confronts Oliviero's cat Satan after he's eaten some of her beloved pet doves. She attempts to kill the feline with a pair of scissors, but only manages to poke out one of his eyes. This is witnessed by an old junk woman, who beats a horrified and hasty retreat from the scene. The rest of the film is haunted by the pained and mournful cries of the pitious cat, and this begins to drive Irina insane. Like all classic Poe stories, her guilt has to bear a physical manifestation of some sort. After discovering him in the house one night, she chases him with that same pair of scissors to finish the job, but comes across a passed out Oliviero at his typewriter. Seizing her opportunity, Irina stabs her abusive husband to death while he sleeps, and leans on Floriana to help her cover up the death by walling her up in the same crawlspace they hid their poor maid in.

I don't want to give up the climax of the film, but suffice it to say, the evil double-crosses do not stop, and Satan's role in the story is not yet complete (nor is the role of the old junk woman).

It's great that there's an easy-to-follow Poe mystery at the heart of the tale here, because it gives the story some structure. Even the best giallo films tend to wander a bit, so having a clear and coherent direction to head towards is a boon to the film. It also leaves ample opportunity for Martino to explore the elements that make up a sick and depraved marriage, and to play with his audience's sympathies to the point that by the end, the only person we ever truly respected was the maid.

Your Vice is the sweaty, vile, sex-crazed, violent murder fantasy that you've been looking for all month, and you absolutely need to watch it very soon. Potentially alone. In your boxers. To accentuate the experience, of course.

REVIEW: Me saying "mama mia" while gurgling on my own blood after being stabbed by my vindictive wife

HOW I WATCHED IT: Amazon Prime, paisanos!

BEVERAGE: Unibroue's La Fin du Monde. The end of the world, indeed.